Positive Tension 

Why the opposite to love is fear

Perhaps at some time you have heard the famous quote by Elie Wiesel - “The opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference.” However in this blog I want to argue that the opposite of love is not indifference but fear. 

I think of love as an attractive force, something that makes me want to draw closer or become more involved. If I love something I’ll want more of it in my life; it excites me or lifts me up or energises me. And while indifference means that none of those things happen it is not of itself a repulsive force. In other words, it does not make me want to move away - I’m indifferent. It doesn’t make me want to do less of something or spend less time with someone - I’m simply indifferent.

Fear on the other hand engenders that repulsive force in us; it can operate at such a fundamental level that we adopt the fight, flight or freeze response. There is no indifference here; just a genuine desire to change our situation and move away from the source of fear.

Naturally, some fears are more pronounced than others. Many of us travel through life with an existential fear, most commonly about death or uncertainty about what happens when we die. Many faiths have emerged over time to help us address our existential concerns, often focusing on rebirth or renewal but I am not here to share my own faith or critique the faith of anyone else. Instead I want to focus on the day to day aspects of fear that can stop us in our tracks or prevent us moving ahead without fear.

Each one of us has a set of deep held beliefs, ideas, concerns, views and perspectives about the world which we have built from the ones that have been shared with us from the people we trust or which we have experienced more directly. Taken together they create our internal memetic environment through which we try to make sense of the world and on which we make predictions about our decisions and choices, their impact and about the future.

Too often a bad experience from the past, far from being a repulsive force, stops us dead in our tracks and prevents us from taking positive action. In other words we neither fight or flee the fear, we freeze in the belief that a decision could resurrect a bad experience; once bitten, twice shy. However, the truth is that the past is the past; the story that we have written about what happened is rarely what actually happened.

So what is the answer? It’s time to leave the past exactly there. By all means take away the lessons - fire burns, not all people are good, love hurts - but don’t forget that the flip side is just a real - fire warms, most people are good, love can make your heart fly. Instead of looking back or being driven by fear, look forward to the boundless possibilities. 

Focusing in this way on what might be creates a positive tension rather than a negative tension or paralysis. This focus on a positive outcome creates a positive tension; something to draw you forward rather than pull you back and with positive tension comes positive action where we are no longer the victim but are firmly in the driving seat.

So what of the existential fears? I don’t have any smart answers for you - each of us must find his or her own way forward - but I have one personal nugget to share. When I take positive action created through positive tension my mind, body and soul become so engaged and absorbed by what is happening that the fears for my own existence have very little room to take root and grow.

Finally, a great deal has been written about fear and indecision but here is one that made a significant difference to me and my life. Enjoy!

• Feel the Fear, and Do It Anyway - Susan Jeffers